Today’s scripture: Psalm 6 (NRSV) (The Message) (KJV) What might God be saying to me?
My thoughts (Melody Merida):
I remember the worst night of my life like it was yesterday. I was in my mid-twenties, living alone in a small apartment in downtown Indy. For several days I had been trying to avoid the pain in my life. My life had become a continuous loop of work followed by several hours of partying with friends. I thought I was having a great time, but really I was miserable. You see, I had just come to terms with being gay and I thought that meant that I couldn’t be loved by God. I didn’t know it at the time, but that belief was destroying me. I was trying to fill that hole in my soul with anything that would take my mind off of my status as an abomination.
It all came to a head when, after 4 or 5 days of that crazy pattern, I collapsed in a heap on my living room floor. My body and soul were completely exhausted. For hours I lay on the floor sobbing, begging God to kill me. After all, death seemed like a merciful gift if the alternative was living outside of God’s love because of something I could not control. I wept until my carpet was soaked with my tears; my eyes were swollen, red, and raw. I begged for something, anything that would free me from my tortured existence.
Time seemed to stand still as I wrestled with God in that little one bedroom apartment. I remember my cat trying to console me but it was no use; I was a lost cause. After having exhausted myself in the lamenting, I reached a place where I could no longer speak. So, I just laid quietly, resigned to my misery.
Several minutes passed as I sat there, drained of every ounce of energy and life. Then, when I least expected it, I felt something in my body begin to change. There was a sense of peace and calm that slowly rolled over me. I perked up wondering what was happening and that was when I heard it—the voice of the divine One, speaking into me. It was the first time I had ever experienced it so I knew it was unique. The voice simply said, “You are my beloved.”
Now, I don’t know where that voice came from but I know what it did to me. It freed me; it restored me.
It also reminded me that sometimes the weeping and wailing has to be done. I doubt that I would have been in a place emotionally or spiritually to hear that voice if I had not first wept and wailed.
Psalm 6 reminds me of that night in my life. I can hear the desperation; the misery that comes with feeling like God has abandoned you. It is unlike any other pain. It leaves you completely broken. The good news is that when we feel that way, we don’t have to be stoic about it. We, like the Psalmist, can weep and wail and sort through our brokenness. We can get angry about it; we can shout out our frustration. We can go into that dark place of grief and mourning. We can be real about how we feel.
Usually, that is the only way we can then hear the sweet whisper of God reminding us, “You are my beloved.”
Prayer for the day: God, you are big enough to take whatever I need to dish out; help me to be real with you, even if that means weeping and wailing. Open me to hear your sweet whisper in the midst of my brokenness. Amen.
We encourage you to include a time of prayer with this reading. If you need a place to get started, consider the suggestions on the How to Pray page.