Today’s scripture: Isaiah 10:20-34 (NRSV) (The Message) (KJV) What might God be saying to me?
My thoughts (Lynnette Pullen-Bradford):
The first time I heard someone tell me I had PTSD, I didn’t believe it. I had always associated it with soldiers and war, but never with childhood abuse. I told myself that my abuse had not been severe enough to warrant long-term effects. But, after years of flashbacks, bad dreams, and a slew of other unexplained emotional and behavioral “quirks,” I had to admit that there was damage. When I finally got the nerve up to talk with a counselor, she changed my life.
She explained to me that there are unseen, deep scars from wounds inflicted by words as well as actions. She told me about the damage that happens when a child is afraid of and hurt by the person he or she also depends on for food, shelter, support, and guidance. She described the long-term effects on development and perception when a child endures both physical and emotional harm over the course of years, particularly from someone within the home. She told me that I wasn’t crazy; I was abused.
I felt validated but exposed; broken but on the road to healing. I always felt like I had to return to my home to be a “good daughter.” But going back there would immediately send me back to being a petrified 12-year-old. I would stay on high alert, anticipating that something bad was going to happen. Just pulling up into the driveway, my breathing would quicken, my heart would race, and my jaws would clench. It was torture. On the outside, I would laugh and joke, but on the inside I was intensely aware of my surroundings and watched every interaction. I assessed every conversation, every word, for signs of an ensuing altercation. I kept my keys in my pocket in case I had to leave quickly. After the visit, the nightmares would become more frequent, and I would remain in this state for days or sometimes weeks until I could calm myself down.
One day my counselor said, “You know you don’t have to go back there, right? You don’t have to do this to yourself. It’s okay. You don’t need to depend on them anymore for anything.” She was right. I don’t depend on them anymore. I had escaped. This is what I thought of when I read Isaiah 10:20:
“In that day the remnant of Israel and those who have escaped of the house of Jacob shall never again depend on him who struck them, but shall depend on the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, in truth.” (MEV)
I am healthy, whole, strong, and healed. Yes, I still have scars, but I have survived. I have come out stronger than I went in. Lesser atrocities have claimed those stronger than me, yet I am still here — not of my own strength but because I have learned to depend on the Lord for support, guidance, food, and shelter.
I want to encourage you to examine on whom you depend in your life. We all have gone through (or are currently going through) tough times. Sometimes we lean on the very people that hurt us. It’s an odd paradox of human behavior. We stay in abusive jobs because they pay well. We remain in hurtful relationships because it fills a need. Often, we find ourselves in those positions and have to try to get out. But, once we have survived and are physically free, we may need to do the hard work of freeing our minds too.
Prayer for the day: Lord, thank You for always guiding and protecting us. We are dealing with deep pain and need Your healing touch. Help us to learn how to get away from those who hurt us and lean on You for all of our needs. Amen.
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