Today’s scripture: John 12:24-26 (NRSV) (The Message) (KJV) What might God be saying to me?
My thoughts (Melody Merida):
For much of my adult life I knew I wanted to be a mother. But it wasn’t until my mid-thirties that it was time to start doing something about making that a reality. For several months I endured the process of trying to conceive. Every month it was the same. I was given injections which made me a crazy person every day. Then there would be a period of a couple weeks when I would feel so hopeful. I would do everything right for those two weeks, and I felt sure that the medicine had worked. It was like torture waiting for two weeks to find out. Then, the day would come. I took the test, and it was negative. It was crushing every time. I wept and mourned what felt like a tremendous loss. Then, I would do it all over again the next month.
This went on for several months with the same results. My spouse and I had decided early in the process that if we weren’t successful after six months, we would explore adoption. So, that is what we did. But I didn’t think that would work for us because a birth mother would have to pick us, a lesbian couple; and the odds of that happening in Indiana seemed slim to none. We couldn’t afford to do both, so we had to make a choice.
On the day when we signed our final paperwork to get on the adoption list, Kristin and I just cried and cried. Sure we were glad to have the potential opportunity to adopt, but signing that paperwork meant that we were giving up on my desire to carry a child. It was bittersweet. After the paperwork was signed our names went on a list. We were told it would be a year or two to wait and see what happened. Our expectations were extremely low.
Then, a miracle happened. Just six weeks to the day later, we had been chosen to be Brody’s moms. Once we got that call, all the mourning for the child we couldn’t have was over because we knew that, finally, we were getting the child we should have. We haven’t looked back since (mainly because he keeps us too busy to look back)!
It may seem odd but this is what came to mind when I read John 12, even though Jesus is talking about his own life in John 12:24. You see, he knows he is about to be killed. He knows his time is up. So, he tries to make sense of it with his friends. He tells them, in a roundabout way, the purpose of his death is to “bear much fruit.” He is the grain that must fall to the earth and die. Without that death, there can be no fruit, no hope for you and me.
Though I don’t suggest that my struggles to conceive and the execution of Jesus are even remotely the same, I do think that something in my life had to die before I could open myself to the good fruit of the harvest. But had I not gone through the heartbreak of the death of that dream, I would never know the joy of my beautiful son. As painful as it was, I had to bury my dream to have a baby before I could experience the harvest of being a mom.
Thought for the day: Where there is a bountiful harvest, there must first be the death of the grain. Have you experienced the harvest? Amen.
We encourage you to include a time of prayer with this reading. If you need a place to get started, consider the suggestions on the How to Pray page.