Today’s scripture: Isaiah 2:5-22 (NRSV) (The Message) (KJV) What might God be saying to me?
My thoughts (Lynnette Pullen-Bradford):
When I was around 20 years old, my then husband abandoned me and our one-year-old daughter. Unbeknownst to me, he hadn’t been paying the rent. The relationship had been slowly deteriorating over the past year, and we were barely communicating. I had no idea what to do. I was young, in a city that was pretty unfamiliar to me, and had very little support. I came home one day, and there was an eviction notice on our door. I can’t remember how much time we had left, but it wasn’t more than a few days. I waited for my husband to come home from work that night, but he did not. He was nowhere to be found. I called his job and friends, but no one seemed to know or want to tell me what was going on. I was able to find out that he was with another woman and had no intention of returning anytime soon. He knew I could not afford the rent alone, but it was of no concern to him. Hysterical and determined not to return to my abusive parents, my daughter and I ended up staying in a homeless shelter for a while. That experience changed my life, mostly for good, but there are some scars that still linger.
I won’t bore you with details, but I ended up getting out of that shelter, graduating from college, and buying my own home. Even though I have all of those blessings (Thank you, Lord), I still struggle with the fear of being hungry and homeless. I find myself overachieving at work and volunteering for projects to ensure job security. Whenever it looks as though work is scarce or hours will be cut, internally I panic and begin to devise strategies to keep income flowing. It’s not the normal sort of concern people have when money is tight; it’s a desperate reflexive response that pushes me into this intense “fight or flight” mode. When the perceived “crisis” is over, I often feel drained and a bit foolish. I am slowly realizing that the reason I am not more secure is not because my job can be unstable; it is because I have put my trust in mortal beings instead of God. Because I can physically perceive the more tangible things in life (like a paycheck), it has become easier to have faith in those things. Because I can predict almost to the hour when funds will be automatically deposited in my account, I am more comfortable. Because I can calculate and predict how much work is required to reap a certain return, I have complete faith in my job. In reality, I shouldn’t; companies fold every day. Mergers, acquisitions, buy-outs, outsourcing, policy changes, downsizing and company splits are the norm in our culture.
Why then am I putting all my faith into other human beings (no different than myself) instead of God? That is the question I was left asking myself after reading Isaiah 2:22. It feels like I might be on a slippery slope leading down the path to idolatry of money. I can’t let the fear of pain and uncertainties keep me from trusting in God. Yes, being homeless and alone was traumatizing and life altering, but I am still alive. Had it not been for God, I could not have recovered as much as I did. We, as people, may not regard each other as equals, but God most certainly does. While we are here to help each other, no human can predict, let alone control the future. I have let the illusions of comfort and certainty shift my trust from God to people and, on a deeper level, made the erroneous conclusion that the accumulation of money and resources will save me from lack and abandonment. They cannot. I was wrong, and I am glad that God has made me aware of my indiscretions. In the words of Maya Angelou, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
Prayer for the day: Lord, thank You for the gift of your presence and protection throughout our lives, particularly the rough times. Sometimes, in our moments of fear and doubt, we fail to perceive You, and therefore lose trust. We assume that if pain is present, You must be absent. Forgive us. Guide us in learning how to lean more toward You in times of want and struggle. Help us to learn to take peace and refuge in trusting that You are still, and always will be, in control of all things big and small and that You have plans to prosper us. Help us to keep fear and doubt from driving us to trust our own physical abilities, instead of spiritual truths. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
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